Well since the death of my Mother, things have changed drastically. I feel like I’m absolutely alone in this World trying to find my way. I try to reconcile the past five years, but it baffles me to no end. I was once a very jolly housewife. How I ended up being a completely cautious, angry and skeptical middle age single woman is beyond me!

Someone noted that I’ve become an angry person. I cannot disagree as for five years I’ve dealt with a lot. I’ve come face to face with experiences I never imagined and a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I’ve had to deal with a drug and sex addict, court battles, thousands of dollars in arrears, lies, name calling, a smear campaign, caregiving, and death. I haven’t had one minute to breath and say “Hey, let’s try this life adventure out for size”.

The Ex Strikes Back

Staying on the topic of narcissist, I am now a beneficiary of approximately $130,000 from my ex-husband. Little did I know that while he was in arrears with me for five years, he was able to put $20,000 in a TFSA and contribute to his pension plan. To be honest, I did know, and I tried to fight it, but I feel someone on the inside of his company was really aiding the cause.

I do not recognize this as my inheritance, as the will specifically states that my children are beneficiaries. So I must accept the money, witness my gross yearly income increase where I may be in a different tax bracket, and pay the taxes on that. What do I get out of this? $0.00, as I do not want a cent of anything belonging to him. It was intended for my kids, but I only wish that he had the amount of respect for my children, as he had for himself, to make those changes to ensure a smooth process.

I am so angry with him for not getting rehab. I begged and begged him. I felt if I left him, he would. He didn’t. I’m also angry how he left my children in such a disarray. It will get settled, and I hope that with me in their corner they will get every cent. Even if I have to play the crazy ex-wife, I will do it.

Why Am I Angry?

I think this is good exercise to examine with my therapist, but I do have to admit that we all get angry at times. It’s the brewing anger that changes people. It’s changed me dramatically.

  • I am angry because I have dealt with someone else’s addiction since age 5.
  • I am angry that both are dead and didn’t fight the addiction
  • I am angry because I was fooled by the second addict for God knows how long. This wasted many years of my life.
  • I am angry that I was naive and believed that the drug dealer gave pills to get off drugs.
  • I am angry that he was more convincing than me, so it led to many people calling me a sick woman, a bad mother, nuts, etc. when I had my mental breakdown.
  • I am angry at myself that I had a mental breakdown. I am angry at the things I said and did to other people I love during that time.
  • I am angry that my paranoia was right and that my ex was doing a smear campaign to people we knew. I’m still angry at myself for letting my paranoia hurt anyone else.
  • I am angry that during this mental breakdown I begged people to come and help me convince him to go to rehab, especially his sister who I was very close to. No one came to help.
  • I am angry at his sister for being there for me only to get information, assisting him financially so he could continue his lifestyle and blaming it all on me.
  • I am angry at the last conversation with my lawyer where she said, “You probably have saved his life.” I didn’t.
  • I am angry at myself for giving my parents the worst last five years their life by being depressed, drinking too much, and causing them great worry.
  • I am angry that I got into a toxic relationship soon after. He was a wonderful guy, but he really didn’t know how to really respect the bond and commitment of a relationship. I’m happy I learned what I want in a relationship.
  • I am angry that Matthew Perry’s colon was eaten up by Opioids where he required a ostomy bag. It makes me certain that opioids did the same to my ex. I kept saying it since the beginning. Opioids and Crohn’s doesn’t mix.
  • I am angry that we were all left with a disarray of finances. This should have been taken care of. I am angry that the money has to pass through my hands, and that my dedication for my children is used to hurt me once more. Has nothing to do with the money, it was to do with the intention.
  • I’m angry that he really didn’t care about anyone but himself.
  • I am angry at me.
  • I am angry that getting my Mom’s house ready to sell is on my back. Everything parent related was always my responsibility for the most part, even during my mental breakdown.
  • I am angry at me for allowing addictions to try and creep into my life.

I have told my therapist numerous times that I’m ok. I’m ok to quit drinking. I’m ok to disassociate from people who no longer serve my greater good. I’m ok to start painting and planning the sale of my Mom’s place, even though my daughter and I have no idea where we will end up. All I know, when my child is involved, I’ll figure it out.

It’s been two months since I have drank in excess. I had one drink, one night and I tossed it out as it no longer tasted good or served me in any way. However, I’m angry with all that’s been handed over to me to handle.

That said, I think I did take on a little too much as a new way to hide the pain. I am angry. I am frustrated because I’m angry. No matter what, I will get through this and figure out my own personal issues with my therapist and a lot of self love.

What I do know is that I’ll never allow anyone to tell me who I am. I will figure that out myself while I continue on this crazy journey of mine. Once all is said and done, I will pivot when the time is right. Pivot and make this life my very own. It’s happening now, just with many hurdles and self reflection.

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