Today, I had another therapist’s appointment. I decided to go for a drive to have my discussions. She explained to me that she went back five years and reviewed some key pointers of my trauma journey. While there were many, she picked out a few she knew really affected me and questioned my worth.
She also asked me not to date over the next few sessions as they were based on feeling worthy. She would prefer that I work on myself and my self worth to avoid anymore speed traps along the way.
She started off by saying “Trina, I want you to put yourself in the shoes of a friends. A friend who went through what you did. I would like to ask you a few questions on what your responses would be.”
- Your friend comes to you and tells you that her husband is in active addiction with opioids and also has frequented prostitutes during the marriage. In two sentences, how would you respond to that?
Answer: “He’s obviously a pretty deceptive person with no dedication to you or family and you should leave for her own safety. You deserve more than that. - Your friend comes to you and says that she told her brother about all that she was going through and he said “I hope you guys can work it out.” What would you say in response to that?
Answer: “Are you fucking crazy? He said that to you?” - Your friend comes to you and says that her ex-husband signed off her vehicle illegally, charged on her credit card, took her to court while she wasn’t working, and verbally smeared her to friends and family. What would your response be?
Answer: “Stand up for yourself man. You did nothing wrong. Say it loud and proud.” - Your friend meets someone. She’s taken a liking to him, but he’s an active alcoholic. She finds out that he has an on and off relationship after four years separated from his wife. He then proceeds to sleep with his wife while trying to keep her in the picture.
Answer: “Man, you deserve better than that. Find someone who’s free of their wife and happy to be with you.” - Your friend moves in with his person, but finds out that he still has naked photos of his wife on his phone and is still texting her. What would you say to her?
Answer: “Run, run, run” - Your friend is still in this relationship and finds out that he’s been calling her a narcissist after two years together to a person she doesn’t trust. What would you say to her?
Answer: “Ok, enough is enough. It’s time to leave.” - Your friend is willing to try to keep the relationship and creates a boundary about drinking. He is always texting her to work things out but exerting no action. She also finds out that at the same time he’s pursuing others. What would you say to her.
Answer: “I can’t listen to anymore of this bullshit. You’re being abused. Leave while you still have your sanity.” - After finallyl leaving, your friend was made aware by different friends that they didn’t like how he treated her and that she deserved more. He was alpha. He always talked over her. What would you say to her?
Answer: “Yes, if your other friends saw it, then you should thank your lucky stars that you are away from him.”
She then explained that while I have the sense to know better and will defend my friend’s value to the end, I neglect to do the same for myself. In the next coming sessions, we’ll be discussing finding my worth, exploring the why, and expressing myself in ways that doesn’t intimidate, but also shows others that I am someone that I value.
We then discussed the fact how both previous partners popped up in weird ways to me after splitting up. While my husband is dead, his was seldom and a cry for some of the old attention I gave him. With my partner, he just pops into my social to say “Hey, I’m here and I’m happy! See when I’m with her, I don’t come on! I just want you to know that and see what you’re missing.” But he doesn’t say it, I see it. She explained that he will continue this same pattern until this new supply is locked in.
She advised to no longer look to my socials, which is difficult for me since I’ve been doing it for years and years! She then took me through a mantra to say, “Yes, he’s here visiting my social. Hi XXXXX! He’s in addictive addiction. He needs the love from someone, and he’s not getting it at this moment. Wish him well and hope that one day he’ll decide to live a healthier lifestyle. I made choices, and he did too. Thank you for coming into my life because I’m working on myself now. My value is now more important than sitting at your table.”
