Today, I spent the majority of my day in Cambridge as I had a doctor’s appointment and a therapy session right after. They both agreed that I should take some time off work as I have been diagnosed with Complex PTSD. Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) can result from experiencing chronic trauma.

My understanding is that I dealt with addiction as a child. Typically with that, there is a form of neglect. It’s also abusive in some aspect mentally. With all the deaths happening this year, everything surfaced and I disassociated. And, here I am now. I think my therapist and doctor’s main focus, in this moment, is to get me feeling better and then we’ll work on this complex PTSD thing.

What I see when I close my eyes:

  • My Dad and brother fighting. Me yelling at my brother to stop. I eventually pull his hair to get him to stop.
  • All that yelling in the house due to drinking. Me screaming for everyone to stop.
  • My ex and I having sex, and trying to save whatever was left of our marriage through sex.
  • The night when I left my ex-husband. He was crying and begging me to stay. What if I stayed? Would have things been better for him? He was still buying drugs while I was there though.
  • My sister-in-law. I should have told her off sooner. She has been such a hassle in our family since the beginning. Damn drinking.
  • My Mom coughing and coughing while I lay beside her.
  • Imaging my ex-partner having sex with someone while coming over to visit me. I’ve come to realize the first one on a dating site isn’t the charm. So he must have been searching for a while.
  • Bottom line, wondering if it’s all my fault?

I am exhausted and all I want to do is sleep. Against my therapist’s recommendations, I tried to motivate myself by going out on a date last night. It did motivate me and made me happy for a minute, until I really looked at him and his intentions. Really, I know the guy will just have sex with me and ditch me, which I probably couldn’t handle right now. So, I just cancelled tonight and spent it with my family. If I really need sex, I know one person I can feel 100% safe with, but no strings attached. I’m just too tired for bullshit men right now. I may just call him out before the night is over, if I have the energy.

Tonight, a friend of mine phoned me and said he wrote something on a post directed at me. I was livid. I have called people (mainly my ex’s wife) directly, I have called people out out social media, and I’ve always been able to take care of myself. Anyway, I guess my former partner thinks that it was me, and I don’t really care. He blocked me, therefore, any fake accounts that I create falls under my initial account. Therefore, any account I personally own, I am blocked from seeing him because he’s blocked my initial account. There’s no way around it.

If I was feeling well, I’d probably defend myself, but I’m just too fucking tired and depleted. I wish he’d believe that. He won’t though and that’s ok.

I guess the saying “It’s ok to be not ok” is a saying, but it feels like fucking shit. I am so frustrated. I have so many feelings and they are very out of body. I was angry and sad before, now I’m just numb. Then my therapist says, we’ll get through this together. Thank God for my therapist. I’d probably be dead without her.

I’m so off to bed. It’s been a long day and a wet and dark drive home this evening.

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