Dear Toby,
I just want to let you know that even though we haven’t talked in five years, I miss you terribly. Now that you’re not on this Earth, my World is shattered. I know that you made some horrible decisions in the past. I have read every email communication, and I see the messages now. You were so troubled, and I wish someone would have helped you far before we met. I wish I could have helped you when we were together. You had so much promise. I told you that so often. I was your biggest fan.
I don’t care what has happened. I will never take the blame for what happened, but I know that I tried my best, but I also failed a lot in the past few years. I feel like I failed many people. I’m working with my therapist through all the grief, sadness and feeling of failure. I’m mourning your loss more now than ever.
I truly don’t know what love is anymore. I don’t know how to love or accept love. Crazy eh? I used to be so filled with love. Now I’m terrified to even give a morsel of what I can give in me.
I did love someone, but he left too. I guess I was pulling away from him when I was entering a dark point in this journey. However, like you, people say that someone won’t leave you at your lowest point. That said, I left you. I didn’t think there was any option. It was all black. Perhaps, that was his only option too. I can now finally respect him and allow him to find the love he wants and deserves.
I hope that you have peace now. I hope that you watch over our children. God knows Christina needs you.
No matter where my road takes me, you’ll always be the one. You’ll always be the person who could make me smile, blush and light my heart with sunshine. My Therapist said once upon a time that I’d think of you less and less as time passes. I truly think I was never given the opportunity between court, sickness, our parent’s deaths and yours.
I hope one day someone will walk into my life who will want me for who I am today in all my messed up’edness. I hope that maybe you will help me find the peace I finally need.
I know one thing for sure….I will always love you. There I said it.
Trina
Here are a few more songs for you…i know you hate country but….
