I am very honest about my own personal journey the past five years. I have been in therapy since the reveal of my ex-husband’s drug and sex addiction. I never changed my therapist even though I move. I feel that she knows me like the back of her hand now and that’s a good thing. She calls me out on my bullshit, but she’s always there to listen. Today’s session was no different.
I talked about a few things that happened as of late. One being put off work by my doctor, me deciding not to go off work and being very clear about it, and my boss posting the editor’s job anyway. I was absolutely floored. I did address it wholeheartedly, but with my heart and head where it’s at right now, it feels like yet another case of abandonment.
Today’s talk consisted of a multitude of things. The first being people “categorizing” me as a “narcissist.” Those who feel the need to categorize without any form of professional designation is skating on thin ice with all those in their life. Feeding into their need of type casting people only brings me in a state of self sabotage. We’ve personally done the tests so I can see it for myself. She advised me to try not to get offended or hurt, as most of them are in active addiction and require their own care.
We also talked about my dead calm now and coming to the point where I can talk about everything openly and honestly. I feel, for one more time in my life, that my World is crumbling, but for a greater good.
I feel that my most recent break-up was the best thing that ever happened to me, even though it pained me greatly. It helped me acknowledge my fear of abandonment. That I need time alone to work on this. Also the fact that he truly wasn’t there when the hard work (physically and emotionally) was a requirement in order for me to feel safe in the relationship. There was more people than him that did that to me. I had a lot of physical help. needed along with mental.
The breakup also enabled me to see other people for who they are. It encouraged my decision to keep forging ahead, doing what I need to do, to realize the moment where I am on my own and living the life I choose to live. It hasn’t happened yet, I’m ok that I see pieces of rock falling all around me this time.
This season in my life requires a shedding of people, circumstances, and actions that no longer need to be in my life. Again, therapy and being alone is vital for my own personal growth. And, if someday, any of these people I’ve shed happen to return, it’s solely up to me to invite them back into my circle of safety.
I don’t owe anyone an explanation on how I choose to heal myself. Healing starts with accepting the absence they left.
This slow transformation has also helped me look back at my ex-husband and realize those were happy years for me. I see how much I adored a person and had a love for life. This whole situation made me a lot less angry. But, the abandonment part is encrusted in my soul from many traumatic events in my past. Not the time to talk about it she advised. I’m deep in a breakdown and also going through my triplex of grief. “Let’s get through this.”
I also explained my natural curiosity of people. She advised to keep distracting myself, and not to acknowledge their inability to let go of you by watching your every move. We giggled that someone would actually be in Florida now and still watching. I have no idea who that is, but it’s bizarre for sure. I’d be on the beach with my peeps.
Therapy has helped me so much in me that needs help. She provided a list of names of people that I can watch regarding complex PTSD. Another month will pass and I’m sure I’ll have a plethora to dump on her again. Man I wish I had the money to talk to her more. I just want to feel better.
Anyway, I’m going to go and drone and take photos now. I need more photos for my blog and it fills my soul with happiness.
Til Next Time,
T
