Today, like any other day, is a challenge. I’ve started painting more and got back into my photography. It’s very calming and it fills my heart with joy. That said, when you are going through a mental health crisis your head just isn’t right. I can’t imagine not working through this with my therapist and living the rest of my life with this fucking head I’m dealing with. There are so many that do, and that makes me sad.

I’ve found a grief support group in London. I feel that this can be beneficial if I ever get the nerve to go! I’m telling you, this bout is FAR worse than 2019. I think bat shit crazy was far easier than trying to work on my frustrations, anger, and sadness in a direct and mature fashion. The key is learning the why for everything we do and are.

Doing What I Need To Do

When my ex-husband and I broke up, I spent a lot of time initially “checking up.” Then I stopped and life got so much better for me. It was actually my daughter who encouraged and pushed an end to it. I’m thankful for her interference because it truly helped. I vowed not to do that a second time around and I haven’t….until last night for a brief time.

Well, I have one of those “old me’s” and when it comes to my mental health, I want it to stop now. Reminders, no matter how small, trigger people who are in crisis. I recall a simple trip to the mall used to jar my triggers from 0 to 100. This is no different.

Going no-contact has not worked. It’s a daily check-in on all of my social sites and my blog. Stalkerish. When we leave someone on our own accord, moving on is vital. Especially when you have someone else in your life. It’s not being kind to anyone if you continue to look back.

We did go through enormous hurdles together with both of my parents ill and dying, a new baby, and a lot of issues with family. That said, these are my own problems now to get through, and I can take the wheel from here alone.

So, last night I decided that if he wants to continue, why not include everyone in what’s happening in my life? Actually, I’m pretty sure that it’ll stop now and I’m happy for that. I can finally move on with my life and work hard on healing myself from the devastation of the past year. I’m changing in so many wonderful ways in my tattered old mind. I just have to get there and the feeling of safety will return. Having someone wave at me every day via technology doesn’t make me feel the safe I want to feel in my life.

I’m sad that I had to do something to make it stop, but I had no choice. I need to save me first. Life’s a dance and I’m working towards it being a freedom dance for myself. As I wait, I will do any dance to keep my mind at peace.

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