I had a really bad mental day yesterday. Depression comes in waves, but when it comes, man it comes.
Tomorrow is Toby’s birthday, and my daughter and I decided that tomorrow blessings will happen. I have an open house, she is looking for apartment. I’m feeling very positive.
We discussed doing something for his birthday and I noted that Theory of a Deadman was in Niagara but I don’t think i could handle it. So she’s in Toronto and I am here!
Throughout our life together, dates within the family seemed to intertwine.
Toby’s Dad Died – March 13th (Mom’s Birthday)
My Aunt died coming to see Christina on April 29th – Toby’s Dad’s Birthday
Toby’s Grandmother died May 11 – My Grandmother’s birthday
Both of our children were born on Holy Days. Easter Sunday and All Saint’s Day
We broke up for good February 17 – My Parent’s wedding anniversary
Toby died May 14 – Our wedding anniversary.
I know there is even more crossover if I took the time to sit down and dig deeper. This is why I feel that tomorrow will be no different. I can feel the significance of the date already. That said, like our marriage, I’m not getting myself hyped up with hope. Just positivity. To my Toby, although we didn’t talk much, I am heartbroken that you are not walking this Earth with us. A lot of my sadness was that we didn’t get one last goodbye. I left it up to you and, perhaps you left it up to me. If only I could back the truck up. I’d do things a lot differently for one last goodbye and to kiss your head like I’ve done a million times in our lives.
All I know, words were left unsaid and I’m broken every day because of it. Why you died on our wedding anniversary tears me apart.
Moving on is Tough
With all these thoughts, I was going to reach out to my ex-partner and say “Let’s talk about this breakup.” last night. I decided against it. He’s already made himself clear about several things and I have to respect that wholeheartedly. I went to pick up my wagon today and had the most amazing time with friends. I passed by his house and saw that he had company. It didn’t make me sad. It didn’t make me mad. I’m so very happy he’s found happiness again so quickly. He’s clearly very blessed to meet not one, but two matches so quickly. We should all be so lucky really.
I know for myself that I’m not ready. Those who I have met online, well I’d just settle. By settling, I would not have that excitement of true heartfelt love. Anything less is just not enough for me and I’m very proud of that. I never want to be desperate for any man’s attention.
I want the song that my Dad used to listen to. I’m 51, and I can make it alone if I don’t have that. I have my friends to fill my heart until then.
Perhaps, I have too many scars from the two relationships I endured. Scars are remnants of lessons learned (or so we hope so.) However, I’m happy for him as well. That said, it’s over and there isn’t a need to stay in touch due to the way things ended. I was in a severe mental health crisis since October. It went unnoticed. Not mad. Not sad. It’s just ended this way. I’ll love him from afar and quietly. Love and life goes on.
I’m not easy at all. I’m stubborn, closed off at times, and even a mess, but I know my worth now. I want the perfectly imperfect beginning and ending relationship. I want The Notebook as corny as that sounds. I won’t settle for less anymore.