Last night was such an amazing night with my daughter. We talked so much about life, love, the past, and regrets. It’s nice to have someone so grounded where logic trumps so much negativity. We have butted heads a lot the last few years.

She got up this morning with a BIG good morning. She looked at me and said, “I want to thank you Mom for admitting that you made mistakes as a Mom in your life. You acknowledging that gave me half of the peace I need. I only wish Dad would be here and would acknowledge it the same as you.”

I explained to her that she didn’t come with an operations manual, all parents make mistakes. The trick is acknowledging them. The past few month has made me realize that I too have some grave faults and flaws that I have to work on.

She also shared videos of her Dad for the first time while he was on his cancer journey. She’s very angry with him. I explained to her that I’ve decided to look at him based on the love I had for him, and not for the love he didn’t have for me. Had he been alive, we wouldn’t have been friends on social or anything, but we were approaching a mutual understanding that both of us were existing with a family that we created. I feel very sad that he’s gone; For my family and his family. Seeing his photos made me very sad for her.

I am flawed. He was flawed. We made great kids with big hearts, with flaws.

People Pleasers

We had a showing today, because the offer is conditional with an escape clause, and it was already booked. My friend, Christina and I had another conversation. I informed them that after my convo with Christina, I went online and blocked people, whether I liked them or not, on all my socials. It made me sad to do some people, but the nonsense has to stop for my well being. It’s stalking, not some random person who checks me out because they are interested.

I made my Facebook, friend’s only, and my Tik Tok private. I even tried to block IP Addresses from visiting the website.

Although, I loved that guy with all my heart and, for me, I felt that he was a soul mate, all of it must stop. Even though I didn’t chase him, it hurt to see him get online so quickly, walk away while I was grieving so terribly. I acknowledge that now, and I have to get past it. It’s ok to never look back to allow your heart to hurt.

He’s acting like he’s inviting everyone to make fun of me, like I’m some kind of show. This includes his ex, his kid, the kid’s grandma, and friends. It feels really mean, like they’re all ganging up on me. I’ve tried to block them all to stop it. I’m not sure if it’s him, his ex, or both causing this, but it’s really hurtful, especially when my family is already dealing with a lot. It’s twisted and wrong. I can’t believe I let this happen again. I need to work on myself to make sure I never end up in a situation like this ever again.

Him getting back together with “that” and causing all this drama just shows that all those nights I spent upset, drinking, and fighting about her weren’t just in my head. It really was where his heart was the whole time. I realize now I’ve got my own issues, since I should’ve trusted my instincts and cared for myself more. It was all fake. I can’t believe I even mentioned him in my parents’ obituaries. That was such a mistake. Looks like I’ve still got a lot of therapy ahead of me.

I’m so happy my very best friend and I connected again. She explained that she just couldn’t associate while I was with him (Another blog post.) Then, I explained, no, it’s them. It wasn’t only him, and she finally listened.

If that’s what makes him happy, then I’m happy for him. As the title states, I’m a deeply flawed person, who hasn’t fully recognized my own mistakes and misgivings until recently.

Stalkers Will Stalk

I’m done letting stalkers bother me. From now on, I’m only focusing on the people who really matter and stick by me. No more going after the wrong crowd or answering their emails. I’m ignoring the mean songs they play on my Spotify too. I’m moving on from this awful part of my life and not looking back. I’ve put up with too much.

About my dad’s tablet, which really upsets me, Christina told me to just let it go. She said whoever keeps it, knowing it was my dad’s, will end up with bad luck. I’ve learned the hard way that hurt people end up hurting others, and I’m tired of it. I want to start healing. As for the tablet, give it to whoever – your new date, your ex, your mother-in-law, kids, or their friends for more stalking. I don’t care anymore. I didn’t believe in karma before, but now May 14th means something different to me.

I have a rather exciting future on the horizon that I need to figure out. Stellar focus on good things, good people and living the good life going forward. Tonight, we are doing rice bowls and watching old videos. Life is silently and slowly falling into place.

The dude I was talking to hasn’t answered me, which proves that the red flags were there. That’s OK. I’ve come to realize that finding anyone online is a risk. Especially if their online A LOT. I need to get out more. Another flaw of mine. I’m OK alone for now. I’m doing a lot of creative things to keep me busy. I’m thrilled that I’m writing again. It’s inspired me to get into writing my book.

I am flawed. We all are flawed. The trick is recognizing them so we don’t make the same mistakes twice. The first, is an acknowledgment, to all the deeply flawed people who can’t get past the person I am, that they can’t hurt me anymore. I’m gone and I’m going to live my best life.

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