This week has been a great week for my daughter and I. It’s not like we’ve been in each other’s faces 24/7, but the conversations, the looking at history, and talking about our fears and hopes has been nice. I’m upstairs, and she’s downstairs. Both doing the same thing; Asking ourselves, what’s ahead of us.
Defining my Happiness
Well I had dental surgery yesterday and I was STONED to the gills last night. I could not sleep, but I started thinking of all the happy times in my life. Taking care of the people I love. Doing my Instastories before August 2018. My instastories forced me to be accountable for my weight loss, deciding our future path, and some funny moments too. Everything that happen after August 2018, was my bat shit craaaazy days, and I don’t regret that either. It’s why I’m here today, instead of dead. I am certain that if I held it all in, I would have killed myself. Everyone has a story, it’s how you live through it that matters the most. Whether you hold it in, write about it, talk about it, sing it, take pills or booze to get through it, I hope the goal is happiness in the end for everyone. It was then and there, in my Opioid (I think) hazed stupor, that I am going to be that happy person again….even if it kills me.
So I’ve decided the following:
Find my home first. A home, not a house, where I can live and grow for the rest of my life. I thrive for a creative location, where I can enjoy the company of like-minded creatives. A place where I can walk and enjoy it and embrace photography, droning and 360 video. A place to learn how to paint. No, not a night out at Kelsey’s with the girls kind of paint night. I want to be with like-minded enthusiasts who want to learn wholeheartedly. I need to listen to music more. Ya, I want home. I want to feel safe.
Career Focus Analyze whether to keep my job, or find a job that I feel secure in for the next 15 years. A place where I feel safe to be me. A place to be creative and happy.
If a good solid man should follow, he must want to create a home for the two of us. A mutual joining of two people thriving to make a life together. After all, when the kids are grown, it’ll be just the two of us. They can handle themselves. Most of all, he needs to feel safe.
Safety is the key to my future. Not in the domestic violence prevention way, in the “I feel so cozy and safe with this person. With my ex-h, I felt safe with, until I didn’t. With the other one, I never felt safe mostly because of his family.
I still don’t.
Instastory my Journey Again
I want to do this again. I want to show my happy. Share my move. Be accountable for my happiness. So, this time, I will call it the Journey to Happiness. Again, I’ve blocked several people and I will continue to do so until the stalkers stop. They are not my journey to happiness. I used to have a spot where I spoke. It was my newly renovated sunroom, that I did to sell the home, or the living room. I love this video. I was so happy. Stay tuned….gotta get off the meds first.
Notes on a Fridge
Once I get video perfected, I want to start a podcast based on the premise on why it was created. Mental abuse, divorce, being accountable, while being your own person, no matter how anyone wants you act or be. I’ve got the complete setup to start the podcast. I just need to get it in order while I pack. Maybe, I will wait until I find a home of my own.
Figure Out Where I Want To Go
If money allows, I want to check out the places I mentioned in a previous blog post. I’m reaching out to cousins to check out Montreal. I’m going to stay at an AirBNB to check out Ottawa and Gatineau. I may even stop in Kingston way to see how I feel about that area. Cambridge, well I already know that place. Burlington and Stratford, gonna spend a tad bit more time there. Think I’m tackling Stratford this weekend. We’ll see, as I doubt that will be my final landing spot.
Men
That’s not really high on my list right now. I’m actually taking care of myself quite well, finding new hobbies, and I don’t want to steer left and change my plans over someone who is a rebound. But I do have some thoughts….as to why I’m no longer in a rush.
This new guy was awesome for three days. After that, it petered off. He’d text and walk away for a few hours. Then come back. Then, he cancelled. Man, we was certainly passionate in one way, but not in all the ways I envision a fun new exploration of companionship to be. So, this is what I wrote him in the end, since he didn’t pick up his phone.
It’s funny. The past week you’re in and you’re out. Sometimes I can see you online but I don’t really bank on that cause I can be wrong. I’m looking for someone with passion, want, drive and initiative to relate to someone else. We did what we did and it was fun. But I’m feeling I’m putting more effort into quick responses and being more present than I should be. I do wish you well. I hope that hand heals quick. I do want to be a friend. That’s all up to you. You’re a nice guy, but I do require a little more passion and excitement from the get go. I’m far too passionate to expect less.
Me
And that’s how you end something with someone who has a foot in and a foot out. Your needs matter. Never forget that. And in the end, it was Crickets….lol. I am totally ok with that. It’s the way of the World now. They either love you too fast, like you and it fizzles fast, or not at all.
The other two in my pre-happiness journey life. Well I can admit now that when I found about about my ex-husband discretions, we were passionate almost every day and night until I walked out that door. We’d start off on the furthest sides of the bed and, bang, it would happen. Sure, I’d get up in the middle of the night and dismantle his truck looking for signs, but our passion was the beginning of the end. I used to be so embarrassed and cry to my therapist as to why I’d do such a thing after the things he did to us. However, our passion didn’t stop until the mic dropped. Then it was no more. I called this phase of my life last night, while I was high on pain meds, “Darkest passion for compassion”
The other one, well when I look back there was no passion at all. I called this phase last night “Drunken Haze.” My daughter and I chatted briefly about that and realistically, he didn’t call or come in person very much as the end neared. We had sex a couple times. But, it certainly wasn’t indicative that the end was near. December 2nd to December 18th, the end was near. Many text, few calls, no visits. I never saw him again and he found another. So for him to go from woman to woman that quickly, nah there was no passion. It was a partnership, so you don’t have to face loneliness. Adequate sex, little kissing, zero passion. That doesn’t negate that I did love him all the same.
So with all these experiences, and a brief acquaintance with a best friend, who will always be my best friend, I know that I want all that passion, all the love, and all the feeling of security a woman of my age deserves. Any age actually. Anything less, is just being complacent, and settling into a life where it will end up ending again. As one can tell, I’m not good with breakups or a broken heart, so the fewer the better.
But first and foremost, we must find home.
