How in the world did this happen to my perfectly perfect marriage? My life was officially over.
November 14th, 2018 started out like any normal day. I listened to some 45’s, took the dog for a walk and then returned to clean house. I mean I think I was in a good mood when I review my Instastories. (For those that don’t know me, I instastory quite often. It helped me lose 90 pounds by making myself accountable.)
Little did I know that simply picking up his tablet and reviewing it, something I never did in my life, would change my life forever.
Goodbye My Lover
As I reviewed the tablet details, I felt the blood in every vessel boil. Screenshot, text, question, no response, little response or “I am working!” Fuck your job, when your wife’s life is falling apart!!
Without getting into it, I was married to two men. One I loved and cherished with all of my heart, while the other I didn’t know existed. It took about 4 days, many tears and a trip to the hospital, for my own health, to finally piece it all together. My life as I knew it was over. Shattered. My wonderful husband handed me a death sentence with the truth and horrible revelations found on his tablet.
Thanks to Google’s capabilities of activity and maps, I knew for certain that I found the truth although I was being told that I was imagining things. That damn gut. It’s the first time ever that my gut screamed at me and told me to wisen the hell up. I truly didn’t want to believe what I was experiencing, but my gut kept, well, kicking me in the gut.
I went to emergency thinking I was having a heart attack. My husband didn’t come to me. He did that a lot during the first few weeks. He was either working, had to work, or go to a business dinner, while I was bawling and screaming for answers. Hindsight is 20/20, as he cares as much about my mental health now, as he did the day my life fell apart. This is something that hurts the most still today.
I was told that it was not a heart attack but heartbreak. I’d have to ride the wave of grief and since I didn’t have a doctor, they could not give me pills. At that time, I didn’t want them any way.
I went to two different walk-in clinics that specialized in emergency mental health counselling. They made me feel better…..for the moment. Talking helped a lot.
I didn’t sleep. I screamed in my sleep when I did. I texted non-stop. I dug and I dug for more answers. I prayed that I’d find goodness in this, but I just couldn’t. It was a nightmare. Utterly horrifying, and it still is to this day.
I celebrated my birthday in Cambridge with my family and friends. Gutted completely, they became my salvation. They were and still are my will to survive this sheer terrifying time in my life.
It took from November 14th to November 26th to finally get the truth that my gut was already telling me. I felt so much better, but it wasn’t the end.
I packed all of my clothes in the car for some crazy reason. I would go out and select clothes and bring them in. I’d get angry at night when I couldn’t sleep and throw my life’s treasures (my DSLR camera, my laptop and other things) in the car. One day, someone stole everything from my car. Thank you Ottawa. Boy I started to hate this city and I rendered myself homeless.
What Does Heartbreak Feel Like
Heartbreak is most definitely the worst feeling I have ever experienced. Worse than giving birth, worse than an abscess or earache, and worse than any emotional feeling I’ve experienced. I don’t think my heartbreak has completely subsided. In fact I know this. I don’t know about you but I can literally feel the blood vessels in my arms and the pain radiates to my heart. It was much stronger in the beginning, but boy, it’s still there today.
My head goes non-stop to this day. I think way too much. At that time, my head didn’t know whether to stay or leave. Which played on me everyday. I mean how can I feel such extreme heartbreak and still love him so darn much? So I stayed and waited for him to come home from work. We’d basically argue because I just couldn’t figure out the why? I was torn apart and I wanted to know what I did to deserve this. My heart……oh my heart. I still wonder if I’ll die from this. There are days that it would be a blessing if I did. So much pain.
I really wanted to work this out. I mean he’s my life. I’ve been with him since I was 16. How can we end this if we don’t try? So off we went. I’m not going to get into it, but my trust was broken again during that month. I stopped the counselling. I went crazy after that. 100% pure bat shit crazy.
Life in Ottawa
If losing my life’s treasures wasn’t enough, Ottawa was not the best place for me to grow and heal from this heartbreak. It wasn’t kind at all to me.
As Winter arrived, I had parking outside while he had an underground space. His truck was much more valuable than my car. Parking became a chore and each and every time I would get stuck in the snow. I’d cry and scream. These moments would escalate my sadness.
My parents were needy, but at least they were in their own apartment. My parent’s were not happy and I just couldn’t find it in me to be nice anymore. I hated myself for being so nasty to them. No one knew what I was going through though. Everyone thought I just hated Ottawa.
My friends were calling me daily scared for my life. I was a sinking ship.
I wanted to leave Ottawa. Ottawa was becoming so toxic for me, and I’d see Psycho Trina more and more as the little things drove me crazy. I begged to leave. I needed to heal, decide what to do and most of all be with my family and friends. I still wanted my husband and I still wanted to try…..I just wanted out.