Well here I sit, at 8:55 AM, with the same pathetic knot in my stomach that dissipated last Friday to enjoy the long weekend.
I am right where I should be. I haven’t taken any calculated risks, my job hunt has been typical to the previous, and my finances are dwindling. BUT that’s ok…..with me anyway. I chose this route back in 2009 when I started accepting whatever came to me because of fear. My career has gone from Operations Manager to Office Clerk in the blink of an eye. Why? Because I’ve chosen this path and I’m right where I should be based on my choices. Are they bad choices? Certainly not, as they’ve provided my family with food and shelter. However, am I living my dreams? No I am not living my dreams because of my ambivalence of taking risks.
Am I happy? You’re darn right I am. Do I know where I’ll get the money to pay all of my bills this month? Nope, not at all. However, I’m working aggressively to try and solve this temporary problem. My ultimate choice would be an apartment and a used Astro Van. My family just won’t go along with that though. It’s been a hit in the guts because I cancelled the cell phones. Like I explained, cell phones are a luxury many think a commodity. It truly isn’t…I successfully made it home every day last week without the use of a cell phone. If I had a flat tire, I seen tow trucks on the road as well. Imagine that!!
My diet is not going so well. However, after a 5 hour drive to see my son in Barrie…I have acknowledged my issues and realize where they originate from. I’m a stubborn mule who has made three things in my life impossibilities. Food, Finances, and a perfectly clean home has always been a crutch because I’m stubborn. I’m so stubborn that I’m hurting myself. The why is a novel, not a simple blog post.
I want to explain to you exactly how I feel and I’m sure many can relate to this. I feel like that three year old girl on top of a bunk bed. The girl who was so excited to get on the bunk bed, but so very scared to turn around and come back down the ladder. There’s a woman at the bottom saying, “Jump and I’ll catch you!”, and I say “No” defiantly. Eventually, she grabbed me and helped me down but I never ever went on a bunk bed again. I wanted to climb down, but fear stopped me….the woman was my only way of getting down successfully, just like taking any job today is my only way of keeping successful at a very minute level in my life.
I knew my destination (off the bed) at that time and I was still scared. I so want to take this jump now….but I have no idea what the destination is and that is the scariest part. I know I’m destined for great things, but I fear that it is now at a temporary cost. After all, my dreams are collaborative to the individual dreams of my family. That’s why I say to kids now…”Do it when you’re young and alone. The risk and the failures are at your expense.”
I want to write, but I need a journalism degree. I want to work in media, but I need a degree. I want to serve my fellow man…but unfortunately, at the level I desire, I need a degree. I want what I should have worked for years ago or will work for years from now. However, I want it now.
Do I feel like the loser with my current situation? No, I feel like I’ve taken care of business and have provided. I’m a great success in that manner because I do it each and everyday. Albeit, with a knot in my stomach and dreams in my heart. I’m living the Canadian Norm….living paycheck to paycheck, worry about being laid off, and feeding and sheltering my kids. The difference than before when I was looking for work. Daily affirmations that this is a blip in the road and abundance will come to me in time….at the right time. A laugh doesn’t hurt either when the knot gets real tight.
Yes, I’m right where I should be at this time. Am I scared? Not really, I’ve been doing it for so long.