This divorce process is funny in so many ways. There is so much learning about yourself to be had. This week I had an ah-ha moment. I have been absolutely crystal clear for a month now. I’ve set goals and I’ve achieved them famously. The medication Trintellix is working like a charm this time and it’s probably due to the fact that I’m not drinking like I have. I’m very proud of myself by the way.
I’ve talked to a few women who have went through the divorce and infidelity process over the past few weeks. I was curious. Am I just a slow griever? Is there something wrong with me? One lady who is WAY beyond me assured me that the whole infidelity bit will take more time to recover from. Still after five years she has triggers. Another lady who dated immediately after her separation, was in love and then left, has now decided to go to therapy. She’s been separated around the same amount of time as myself. I started reading and it’s quite possible it’s a month for every year together. So 30 months. I’m almost there (ha ha).
Opinions are Just That
I guess myself reaching a turning point is somewhat exciting, but it’s never guaranteed because it’s the brain and chemical imbalances that has to align itself. That said, I’ve really had a huge awakening this week. When I look around me, I am hearing a plethora of opinions. I’m constantly being targeted by certain people. While their opinions are fine, I have decided that I don’t need nor I want to hear them. I’m not asking for advice. I’m not begging for their friendship. I’ve got so much work on my hands with school, I just don’t have the time to worry about the “noise.” Therefore, I really don’t care to respond, get angry or even acknowledge them going further. I don’t know if I’m growing mean or whether my preference is solitude now, but I’m damn happy I’ve come to this point. In fact, many women going through the same as myself eventually experience this feeling of liberation. It just takes time.
I expressed this on one letter I wrote this week “So what I decide to do, how I am healing, how I am adjusting to my life is my choice too. Also, I’m allowed to make mistakes and I’m allowed to stand up for me. You are allowed to be angry, disappointed, or whatever, and I just have to accept that and not riddle myself with guilt where I end up angry defending myself because I know where I am in life.” What they think of me is none of my business.
This is my life. No one is at my door daily. Few are calling me daily. No one is helping me find work. No one is offering me work. No one is listening to me cry some nights. No one is there when I’m up with insomnia. Therefore, my life is no one’s business and no one has a right to give an opinion if it’s not solicited. Wow…..what have I been doing the past two years?
I took a social media vacation for three weeks. I posted pictures on instagram but that’s it. It felt good. Really good. I think the only reason I went back on Facebook is that I missed my Words with Friends and Coinmaster. It’s relaxing and it’s a little time out. Other than that, I have no desire to waste my days seeing what others are up to or who is commenting on stuff. The more time I spend watching them, the further behind I am focusing on me. The most important person in my life. I think I did myself a huge service by disconnecting, flying my drone, taking photos and just living with me.
Life Moves Forward
I was at a friend’s house the other night and we were talking about a mutual friend who I’ve been somewhat seeing randomly. My friend’s have high hopes for a love connection but….I said, “This is not for me. He’s wonderful, nice, and super amazing, but I want someone different. Someone who is sassy, outspoken, and not afraid to tell you something AND effectively not hurt your feelings. Someone who you know cares for you and validates your importance in their life. Someone who calls you at night, listens when you’re sad and applauds you when you’re happy. Someone who texts you out of the blue or a few minutes after you leave them. Someone who likes to laugh, dance, play many forms of poker, be silly, stay up late, listen to music and enjoy all the shit and flowers that life has to offer. Someone simple, uncomplicated, yet real. I didn’t realize what I’ve been missing the past few months and nor did I realize it until XXXX left tonight. A person who wants you, won’t leave. A person who wants you will take advantage of being with you anytime that is possible. I met that person with too many hurdles to jump. However, that kind of person without hurdles is exactly what I want and I won’t accept anything less.”
I felt so good being able to definitively say this is what I want, no your opinion doesn’t matter, and YES, I’m going to live my own life my way. I will find that person in time and will accept nothing less than that. Otherwise, I’m just bored, feeling unwanted, and unimpressed. Do I really want to go through being with a tire kicker who will throw it all away? NO, I’m too old for that bullshit and I’m better than that.
First, I’m learning about myself and the things that I can do now that I never did before.
Here’s to a full life. I have four more months of school and a plethora of possibilities ahead of me. Cheers to all those finding their way through this shit show. Keep on writing me and I will most definitely respond!