Tonight, I write freely. Freely about how I feel about life’s untold stories and the stories unravelling around me today. A story about hurt, sadness, anger and fear. Today, I weighed my Mother who is 95 pounds and dying of throat cancer at 81. While we may say, “Ah she lived a good life,” She’s still my mother.

She was the Mother I cherished. The Mother I despised at times. The Mother who was dependant on me. The Mother I had in my home, when I had one, every Winter. The Mother who helped me so much when I separated. I realize now that it’s just as significant at 81 as it would be if she were younger. In fact, we grew so much closer the past four years. 50 years….with my Mother.

As well, I watch my kids in sorrow as they tend to my ex-husband who is also terminally ill. The Man I loved, the Man I took care of, the Man who I built 30 years of my 50 years together with, the Man who hurt me so badly. That said, there hasn’t been a day that’s passed, since February 17th, 2019, that I haven’t thought about him once. Whether it was fighting with him in my head, missing him, or wondering what he’s up to, he was a huge part of my existence and my life. It’s not easy to just forget even though I’ve tried at all costs to do so.

It’s funny though. You can love someone with your heart and soul and, as time passes, suddenly become a stone when it comes to them. You have empathy, love for your children and you certainly do not want to see illness in their life, but you become stoic. Then the guilt rolls in because of that. How can love die like that? Is love even real anymore? Years ago, I’d be fighting with everyone to save his life, but today it’s not my fight and I’m numb to that reality. He’s my past. A positive note of encouragement to keep fighting for our kids is sufficient in our situation. Although, it’s a very raw reality to face.

Then the assholes marched in. They arrived after four years of our separation spreading horrible character judgements about me. Seriously, do people move on? Are people just that evil? Nonetheless, it hurts. One can say “ignore it” to me, but when your character is judged, it’s pathetic and heartbreaking.

Life’s Struggles

I have a super friend. We’ve both had our struggles and I love him dearly. He is there for me, there for my family and is dealing with his own issues privately. We are extremely toxic for one another, however, we also have similar interests where we can forget or assist each other with life’s troubles.

He showed me what friendship, love and being wanted felt like. He’s someone who won’t give up on me when I give up on everyone.

I think when one is fifty and lives a long life with someone, you get accustomed to tradition. Breaking tradition is a hard thing to do. Letting go is harder. This is something we’ve argued about numerous times. My ex and I let go so quickly, he and his ex didn’t. He welcomed her into our relationship while watching her build fires of control and madness around us. I get angry. We break apart. That is, until he says he won’t let me go that easy.

He’s gone home tonight for a little time to himself. I haven’t heard from him. Maybe he’s thinking about our relationship, as I am tonight. I do miss him when he’s not around. We tried, we failed…heartbreak sucks. Reflection is required and much needed at this time.

Hurt Controls

You ever meet someone who is angry all the time? Sick all of the time? Miserable all of the time? These emotions tend to result from hurt. As one hurtful action happens, it overlaps all the other hurtful actions. It’s a hard thing to overcome and some remain stuck. I think I remain in this realm. I float around hurt and anxiety more than anything else. I don’t know if it’s due to the continuous hurt I’ve experienced the past four years or if it goes far deeper. I just know, being hurt by someone else’s actions is heart wrenching. Being hurt seeing people you love die around you, while you’re still hurting, is the worst.

They say whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger or God doesn’t give you more than you can handle, but I am starting to believe that’s bullshit. There are so many broken homes, addictions, and suffering in this World, I no longer believe that it’s God’s doing. I just think people have stopped seeing the true beauty that life has to offer, the disrespect for people and the requirement of wanting more has increased. Why can’t people work on things, settle for the small things in life, and strive to just be a better person?

I’ve been transferring old videos from the 70-80’s for myself and my brother. While watching it the other night, my question was “Where did that little girl go?” When did that smile and zest for life disappear? I’ll find the reasoning. Life’s untold stories may be the demons that float around us throughout our lives.

For now, I’ve made a commitment to hold my Mother’s hand while she leaves this World. She was all that mattered in the end. My children are grown and I love them dearly. I will be there for them as they go through their life’s sorrows. I can only hope that they have that commitment, in the future, for me. That said, I can’t control that. Controlling someone, even your adult children, is impossible.

For me, I’ll honour her and the life she gave to me. I’ll honour those around me who choose to have me in their lives. To get along well with someone is a gift. To have someone’s love, well, that’s just an honour.

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