They weren’t “somewhere else.” They were hiding behind a proxy server. Florida, Hotwire Communications. Then, today they dropped their pants. They are in Waterloo.
How do I know this? Well, they follow the same route every time. Homepage first, skipping over anything new, then straight to Life’s Challenges to see if there’s something fresh even though it’s already on the home page. They are looking for something about them or him. It’s something they feel the need to monitor.
It’s predictable. And it says more than silence ever could. I don’t even have to ask anyone what’s going on. It’s all there.
This, my friend, is for you. The one “seeking” me. Don’t worry, there’s another one who does it nightly.
The Messages That Changed Everything
Years ago, I made the mistake of rekindling things with my ex partner. Shortly after, I was shown text messages he had written about me to his ex wife. They weren’t kind. They weren’t reactive. They were deliberate. That was how he spoke about me when I wasn’t around. Once I understood the full context, it became clear those messages weren’t about honesty or concern. They were his attempt to win her back.
His family was upset that we had reconnected. His daughter believed sending me those messages would be enough for me to leave.
It should have been.
Instead, I stayed. I told myself I wasn’t going to run from hard conversations anymore. I told myself this was growth. Looking back, I ignored my instincts and called it strength.
She was Encouraged to Watch
What I didn’t fully understand at the time was that within those messages, he encouraged her to watch me. To keep tabs on my life. “It drives her nuts.” And she did. Quietly and consistently.
We got back together and I moved in with him. That didn’t last. The silent treatment showed up. The emotional withdrawal. The control disguised as distance. I didn’t negotiate with it. I moved out.
No emotional abuse for me. Never.
On Again, Off Again, and the August Line
After I moved out, we were on and off. In August, we were back on. Around that time, I got wind that he was “chatting” with his wife, but only when he was speaking with his daughter. That was the story.
I watched the dynamic closely. I saw the abuse she caused. With us. With him. With their dog. With their son. I wanted none of it. I stepped away from anything romantic. I said we could be friends. Nothing more.
We slept together most of the time, but emotionally, that was it. No future planning. No pretending.
The Conversation I Wasn’t Meant to Hear
What I didn’t know was that while he was spending time with me at my trailer, he was also chatting with her directly, trying to decide whether to get back together. That part was kept from me until I walked into a phone conversation that wasn’t meant for me to hear.
That’s the issue.
Not confusion. Not mixed signals. The secrecy.
Trying to Build a Life Without the Full Picture
I was showing up honestly while parallel conversations were happening in the background. I was making decisions, like planning Thanksgiving, with incomplete information while others had the full picture.
Of course I wanted him in my life. What I didn’t want was the abuse that would come with being romantically involved. That was on him. His responsibility. His work to do.
What I Know I Don’t Want
This was never about jealousy. It was about accountability.
Watching their relationship over time made something very clear to me. I don’t want that life. The back and forth. The blurred boundaries. The manipulation hiding behind history and guilt. It isn’t love. It’s erosion.
I am not a second choice. I am not a fallback. I am not someone you keep close while deciding what you really want.
To the One Watching
And to the person quietly watching me, day and night, feel free to keep watching.
You won’t see half finished beers or cases stacked around my house. I won’t be sending naked photos while he’s dating you. You won’t see someone scrolling or texting someone else while telling me they love me. You won’t see anyone cooking or performing their way into being chosen rather than giving the love every woman deserves. You won’t see me being sloppy seconds or thirds because I know I’m more than that.
What You Will See From Me
You won’t be seeing me and nor will he, but what you will see is presence and growth.
You’ll see a clean, calm space. You’ll see someone choosing to be single after witnessing abuse and refusing to normalize it. Choosing to be single because choosing myself is no longer negotiable. Choosing to be single because even if he were the last man on Earth, I would still tell him to go to the other side of it.
You’ll see peace that doesn’t require monitoring. Boundaries that don’t need explaining. A life that isn’t built around waiting, fixing, or hoping someone becomes who they promised they were.
Thankful I’m Not in Your Shoes
I will never be the person who needs to check an ex’s website or social media to convince myself my instincts are wrong. I trust myself now. I don’t chase reassurance.
Yes, he watches me nightly. Most nights after ten o’clock. I know the routine. It’s not new to me. It’s happened for the past five years. And to be frank, I’m just one of his addictions, and that’s ok. I let him watch without anxiety anymore. I say a quiet, “well nothing’s changed.” and do my thing.
No, he doesn’t call me. And he knows better than to try. I will not answer.
Moving Forward with Peace
A word of advice, I created a nice head start on making his house, a home. The deck may need cleaning, but I know you’re great at that. Ditch the weekend job and move out there. I drove it for months! It’s actually a nice drive so no excuses there. Life could be so simple for you, and you’d be together every day. No need to watch me. Makes a sensible next step right?
As I said to a friend tonight, “abuse doesn’t grow and thrive. Only healthy growth and looking forward does. Never look back on what never served you in the first place.”
So, Keep watching from Waterloo or even under a Florida proxy.
I don’t live my life reacting to who’s watching. I live it based on who chooses to show up honestly with a full and open heart.
And I choose honesty. Presence. Peace.
Everything else stays outside the door.
