Well here we are again! For those that missed part 1, here it is. There has been so much shit the past five years. I am deeply saddened due to the end of my second relationship in my life. That said, being alone and understanding myself more has helped me immensely. I do feel like I’m going crazy from time to time though but it’s a build up of my parents and ex dying and grieving everything; My life.
It made me really sad and scared to hear my former partner say, “We will never happen again.” However, I am now at peace with that since realize my part. I got into a relationship too soon after my 30-year marriage. I had a lot of scars, and those scars carried into this relationship, along with more scars, because it was toxic, during the five year course of our on and off relationship. I attached myself to a fun guy who didn’t care where I felt some semblance of love to heal my broken heart. It wasn’t love, it was companionship, and I found out the hard way in the end.
It does not make me feel loved or wanted that he was out looking for another during negotiation, but I guess some people can’t be alone for long. Healing alone is fucking hard, but so needed to create a better relationship the next time around. For that, I wish him well with his new exciting relationship, even though he checks in on me when he’s alone. I feel sad that he feels such loneliness that he has to backtrack when he’s alone.
Lessons Learned
Oddly enough, his ex-wife is also checking in on me at her work at her school. I feel for her, even though she caused a lot of grief in my relationship with him. She pined for him, texted him, and sent photos, all the while in another relationship. It was a shit show from the beginning really. It was one of those red flags in the beginning that I didn’t notice. Once someone does something to one person, the chances of it happening again are high. That’s why I never blame a woman or circumstance on a wandering eye.
Red flags. I’ll never ignore red flags now that I understand what they are. No more ex-wives who are bed buddies, no more sexy talk, no more Tinder on their phone after they commit to me, no more silence on the other end. Man, I’ve seen it ALL out of three or four people. I am going to keep moving on until I see minimal red flags that a healthy relationship can handle.
I am never dating anyone with hidden (that’s a touchy one believe me, who knows!) or an open addiction again. It’s their responsibility to save themselves and take care of their health as they age. My responsibility is me, my mental health, and happiness. It’s time to take the time to learn to love me more.
I always feel better when I write. I write until my heart is still and I feel ready to move on. Writing this prose gave me a sense of closure, along with the sensible email I sent to him last week. I’ve been making notes all weekend and it’s done. It’s sad still, but I will survive this. Lord knows, I was in far worse shape in 2018, and I came out alive.
I’ll Miss Him But I’m Letting Go
I’ll miss the crazy ideas he had with cooking, bonfires, and other events.
But, I’m letting go.
I’ll miss the way I feel when I have my arm over him in bed.
But, I’m letting go.
I’ll miss the way he kissed me hello and goodbye.
But, I’m letting go.
I’ll miss his delicious food
But, I’m letting go.
I’ll miss his voice and his silly euphemisms.
But, I’m letting go.
I’ll miss wondering if the plans we made with the trailer would have been fun.
But, I’m letting go.
I’l miss the way he tried to be a gentleman, without realizing that it was only part time.
But, I’m letting go.
As days turn into months, I’ll miss the check-in’s when he’s not with her. Visits will fade as their attachment styles mold together.
But, I’m letting go.
I’ll miss my drives in the backwoods to get to his home. I’ll miss the feeling of excitement to see him.
But, I’m letting go.
I’ll miss the ways he sparked my soul with deep conversation well into the night.
But, I’m letting go.
I’m letting go because it never was. True love doesn’t fall for another person so quickly. True love finds a compromise when things get rough. True love will endure all the awkwardness of discussions of whether to let go or not.
This was not true love.
So, I’m letting go.
I must save myself and heal myself from the years of heartache and depression.
