You know what sucks about this marital separation healing process ? Basically everything. If you numb it with liquor, at least you can sleep, but eventually you become an angry drinker. So, you choose not drink and deal with every ache and pain that your withered body needs to feel to get through this. I think that’s a good thing though.
That said, exhaustion can kick in from sleepless nights being stuck in your own fucking head. Like tonight! It’s 2:20AM and I’m no where near sleep. I had four hours sleep last night. Tomorrow night, I’ll be exhausted and I’ll finally sleep well.
I’m angry and sad, but fuck all those other feelings. Heartbreak is the worst. When will it end? The very core of you feels empty and the pain just won’t allow you peace to rest. During the day, I’m getting much better.
I took my daughter and her boyfriend out for dinner. I fiddled around the apartment and they went to Toronto. It really didn’t bother me as much as before. But when twilight arrives, that’s when my thoughts start racing.
These are the things I think about as I lay here at night:
- Why in the World are we letting this relationship burn into smithereens?
- I wonder what he’s up to? Is he sleeping with someone while I lay here alone wondering if he’s sleeping with someone?
- I wonder if he’s out having fun tonight? He doesn’t deserve to have fun quite yet while I’m suffering.
- I wonder if I saw him again would it take away some of the pain or only make it worse?
- I really need to get a lawyer and bring some closure to this. But I’m scared to do it because it really means that it’s over.
- I think if I would have died on November 14th, 2018, that would have been better than going through this pain. My tarot card reader told me two years…..so did my therapist. Fuck my life!!
- I feel shame. I’m 46 with no job, no relationship and I’m alone. My marriage failed.
- I didn’t deserve this bullshit. Why is he now calling the shots? I didn’t deserve learning about his indiscretions and this pain, but he deserves silence and to move on? How is that ok? (This one keeps me up most nights til 4 or 5)
- I know this relationship must end but how do I move forward when I keep putting on the brakes?
- Who the hell wrote this blog post I just found about heartbreak? Girl, you didn’t know heartbreak. This time is a doozy.
- While I love being around family and friends, I don’t like it here. I should have moved to Gatineau as I really liked it there. Nope, I couldn’t have done that. The only person I knew was him. So No….damn him. He’s trucking around in beautiful areas and I’m stuck here. I need water. I should go to a beach.
- Why am I not thinking about myself? What the hell is self care anyway?
- Why does everyone say “Don’t worry about what he’s up to? He’s not your problem anymore”?
- Damn I wish I didn’t text him today.
- Oh wait, I have an another thought. ***I text him***
- I should wait to see if he answers……FUCK.
- Does he really have to be so mean after all the torture I’ve been through? Today, he said that he loved his life and to leave him alone. How can you love your life knowing you caused so much pain? I couldn’t look myself in the mirror! Why the fuck does that bother me so much? He must be sleeping with someone. I need to fucking get some peace with this. Damn him.
It’s Psycho Trina at her finest. But according to my therapist, it’s very normal.
Yes, you haven’t met Psycho Trina yet, but you will. I’m working on this one. She’s a gem but I do embrace her since talking about her in therapy. The last session, I asked my therapist to help me figure out how to kill Psycho Trina forever. However, the discussion about Psycho Trina is what brought me to writing about my experience. She fights for me and speaks the truth loudly.
Moving forward after Separation
Girl, we’re just going to heal and work through every ounce of pain. What I feel is natural, but I don’t want to feel this way anymore. But time heals all wounds. I hate that line, but it’s obviously (much like follow your gut), that it’s true.
Girls, we are going to get through this no matter how hard it is. It’s not a cake walk. It’s quite possibly the worst experience of your life. I know it’s mine. But we’ll forge ahead and become fucking amazing independent women in the end.
Maybe I’ll make some cookies since I’m up. Just another vice to get through the pain and hurt of this bullshit.